Thursday, September 15, 2016

Three Things: Insecurities

This week the shell covering my body, which protects me from harsh words or feelings of worthlessness, was softened, like how fingernails get soft in the shower. Since my defences were down some bad stuff crept in and wreaked havoc. 

Today I want to share about three insecurities that popped up for me this week. I am not sharing them, because I want you guys to be like, "Lucy Rose, that insecurity has no grounds. No matter what the judges on Wheaton's Got Talent said, I am sure that you are a very talented beatboxer!" 

I do need the help of others when I go through a patch like this, but I am posting this because it is important to openly write about insecurity and struggles on a blog about life. 

The internet is full of beautiful photos of beautiful people, objects and places. Blogs that feature a slender woman posing near a single rose in a glass vase on a dewy windowsill writing about the new sofa cover she picked out. 

It is so easy to think that the people posting all these flawless images have no problems. I am always tempted to think, "Wow, if my life could be like that blogger's life, I would be perfectly content." 

I don't know if anyone reads my particular blog and thinks, "Wow, this girl has got her act together!" In fact after they read this post or this one, that may be very far from what they are thinking. But just in case, you guys, what follow are some things that I have been having a hard time with this week.

1. Body Insecurity: This week my insecurity was directed to a particular fleshy portion of my anatomy which shall remain nameless. Ok. My bottom. So much for confidentiality. 

I could not stop thinking that I looked so much wider than usual. I changed pants three times and then walked out the door unable to think about anything but my butt! The day was pretty and breezy. I had the scent of autumn in my nostrils and the prospect of a favourite class. 

But no. I could not be happy. I felt too big. I will write more about this issue of body insecurity, because I have a lot of thoughts on it. For now let's just say I wish I could have left my body alone and just focused on other things. 

2. Writing Skills Insecurity: I have been working on an investigative article for my student newspaper for the past four weeks. I am on a team with two other guys, both of whom have lots of reporting experience. 

My insecurity while working on this in-depth article has been thoughts like, "I am asking these guys too many questions. Am I annoying them?"; "The paragraphs that I wrote are going to be so bad. I hope they don't notice..." etc. Writing like a reporter is brand new to me, so I shouldn't feel this bad, right? 

But, being around the guys I am working with, who can do this stuff in their sleep, makes it hard for me not to feel pretty insecure. My hope is that once I learn more of the ropes I will feel less and less weird. That was how it was for me learning digital editing software. At first I felt so out of my depth, but now I feel very comfortable with it. 

3. Insecurity Insecurity
Maybe this only happens to me. I start to get insecure about how many insecurities I have. Wow. Talk about deep problems. I'm like, "Ah! I am supremely insecure right now about everything. Yikes. That must mean I am a very unstable person. Everyone can tell how insecure I am. People think I am a total loser. Look at me! I can't even walk down the hall right now without making awkward eye contact with someone's shoulder."

This is when you know something is up. An off week perhaps. Chalk it up to hormones or maybe the fact that Sheldon and I have been pretty stressed this week. Something astrological perhaps? 

Whatever it is I know that this is a phase. Just like my fingernails get back to normal after a few hours, I am sure my self-esteem will toughen up again soon. Well, at least as soon as this pimple goes away. 

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