Burrito Blues

Hey.

How's it going?

I'm not really doing anything right now. I'm sitting around in my leggings trying to think of excuses to NOT a) go for a run or b) continue working on the edits for my current zine project. That's what made me think of writing a blog post, which I haven't done for, like, years. 

I have absolutely nothing of value to contribute to the internet in this moment. This is literally pointless. I just want to complain to someone. But that's the beauty of The Internet, isn't it? Random people getting an infinite platform for useless bullshit. 

OK. So this morning I woke up to a group chat from my job at That Burrito Place. Someone was calling me out in a very sarcastic way for forgetting to empty one of the grease traps during my last shift. 

This is deeply sad, but unfortunately very true: it ruined my morning. I know! How could such a dumb thing RUIN MY ENTIRE DAY??? Why am I such a sad little gremlin that something that dumb can upset me so deeply?! 

I raged in my head toward the person who called me out:

"That's literally the first time in my Burrito career that I have forgotten that grease trap, so why do you have to publicly shame me for it?"

"The REASON I forgot about it was because I was so busy cleaning up all the shit everyone else regularly 'forgets' to clean!"

"I bust my ass day in and day out working that stupid grill and I do a GOOD job at it. So why do you have to take the one time I messed up and broadcast it on the group chat?! Couldn't you have just told me in person, 'Yo. You fucked up. Don't forget next time.' I would have totally been fine with that and been like, 'Whoops. I'll do better next time.'"

It made me so mad. I think at the root of my anger about this dumb situation was a deeper feeling that I've been holding for a while: At my Burrito Place job I am never appreciated. I can be doing my job well and going above and beyond daily, but I will never have anyone be like, "Hey. Thanks for showing up every day on time, with a good attitude and making this a better place through your hard work."

Not gonna happen. Has literally never happened. But I crave it. I crave the feeling of being valued and I know I'm never going to get that at this job and after a while (two years) it starts to build up a knot of anger in my chest that gets unleashed when something stupid like that group chat comment happens. 

I want to work in an environment where my skills and personhood are appreciated and valued. Where I'm not just a Burrito-Rolling Robot, but an integral member of a team. Where my feelings are respected, not violated or belittled. 

My current library job provides this type of environment. I feel so grateful for it. But someday I want BOTH of my jobs to reflect that. I'm tired of feeling worn down emotionally and physically.