Thursday, May 11, 2023

Burrito Blues

Hey.

How's it going?

I'm not really doing anything right now. I'm sitting around in my leggings trying to think of excuses to NOT a) go for a run or b) continue working on the edits for my current zine project. That's what made me think of writing a blog post, which I haven't done for, like, years. 

I have absolutely nothing of value to contribute to the internet in this moment. This is literally pointless. I just want to complain to someone. But that's the beauty of The Internet, isn't it? Random people getting an infinite platform for useless bullshit. 

OK. So this morning I woke up to a group chat from my job at That Burrito Place. Someone was calling me out in a very sarcastic way for forgetting to empty one of the grease traps during my last shift. 

This is deeply sad, but unfortunately very true: it ruined my morning. I know! How could such a dumb thing RUIN MY ENTIRE DAY??? Why am I such a sad little gremlin that something that dumb can upset me so deeply?! 

I raged in my head toward the person who called me out:

"That's literally the first time in my Burrito career that I have forgotten that grease trap, so why do you have to publicly shame me for it?"

"The REASON I forgot about it was because I was so busy cleaning up all the shit everyone else regularly 'forgets' to clean!"

"I bust my ass day in and day out working that stupid grill and I do a GOOD job at it. So why do you have to take the one time I messed up and broadcast it on the group chat?! Couldn't you have just told me in person, 'Yo. You fucked up. Don't forget next time.' I would have totally been fine with that and been like, 'Whoops. I'll do better next time.'"

It made me so mad. I think at the root of my anger about this dumb situation was a deeper feeling that I've been holding for a while: At my Burrito Place job I am never appreciated. I can be doing my job well and going above and beyond daily, but I will never have anyone be like, "Hey. Thanks for showing up every day on time, with a good attitude and making this a better place through your hard work."

Not gonna happen. Has literally never happened. But I crave it. I crave the feeling of being valued and I know I'm never going to get that at this job and after a while (two years) it starts to build up a knot of anger in my chest that gets unleashed when something stupid like that group chat comment happens. 

I want to work in an environment where my skills and personhood are appreciated and valued. Where I'm not just a Burrito-Rolling Robot, but an integral member of a team. Where my feelings are respected, not violated or belittled. 

My current library job provides this type of environment. I feel so grateful for it. But someday I want BOTH of my jobs to reflect that. I'm tired of feeling worn down emotionally and physically. 

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