How to Feel Beautiful

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Do you feel beautiful? The moments when I do are rare. More often I feel unkempt or frumpy. Sometimes I feel downright homely. If on that day someone tells me that I look nice I don't believe them. These feelings have been a part of my life for so long that I feel like I need to talk about them here. I spend a lot of time thinking about appearances: mine and everyone else's. I also have a suspicion that I am not the only person who does. So for the next couple days let's talk about beauty. 

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The topic came up recently in a conversation that I had with Sheldon. He told me I looked beautiful one day and my response was frustration rather than delight. I was frustrated because I didn't agree that I looked beautiful and I wanted him to quantify why he thought I was beautiful on that day. Later I felt bad that I had not been more gracious about his compliment. I wrote him an email in which I tried to explain some of the feelings that the word beautiful triggered in me. Although this email is very personal I feel confident sharing it with you, because I know I am not the only one who feels this way. 

Dear Sheldon,

Sometimes I don't even understand how you can think that I am beautiful, because I think that I am only beautiful when I think that I am. I get confused with compliments like, "You're so beautiful." They make me feel good but sometimes they irritate me. I don't know why. Maybe because I have a very complex relationship with my appearance. I don't think that you have anywhere near the sort of relationship with your appearance that I do, merely because you are a man. I am not blaming you. That's reality. So when you, the person who is the most important in my life, make assessments about my appearance I sort of panic internally.

I think that I am beautiful. But I do not think I am beautiful when my hair is greasy, my face has no makeup on, my clothes are boring and I have acne. I do not think I am beautiful because my teeth are yellow, splotchy and stick out. When I wear glasses no one can see my eyes. My eyebrows are too bushy. When I hunch I look gross--narrow shouldered and fat. 

I believe that I can only be beautiful if my eyebrows are combed, my glasses are off, my hair is purposeful, my teeth are brushed and hidden, my acne is covered by make-up and I am sitting straight so that my shoulders don't look to narrow and my belly doesn't stick out.

However confident I am compared to some other women, this is something I will be working on for my entire life. I wish I didn't have to. I wish that when you called me beautiful I could accept it. But I can't. It is a battle to even feel pretty. I desperately crave someone to tell me that I am even as I desperately crave that no one care. 

Love,

Lucy Rose