My Freelance Journey: Fears

"You're a mess." 

This is something my grandmother told me a lot during my year in Texas, which lasted from 2018-2019. I know to her it was meant to be a form of endearment--spoken in a loving, eye-roll way when I would do something unexpected (to her) or unusual (to her!). 

It still kind of stung, though. Who wants to be a mess? But it also stung because it's not that far from the truth about me, especially when it comes to my freelancing. I AM a mess. 

I am a mess because I'm afraid. I want to make my living through making art and telling stories so badly, but I'm terrified. 

I'm scared that if I take on client work I will let them down. 

I'm scared to contact people offering my services as an artist, because I might not be good enough. 

I'm scared to answer emails, because I might say the wrong thing. 

I'm scared that the real reason I want to be a freelancer is because I'm lazy. 

I'm scared that I am too messy, both emotionally and practically speaking, to ever be successful. 

Whew. I feel the need to apologize after saying all that, because it's so negative. But I'm not going to. These fears are my reality and I don't think I'm alone in being afraid of putting myself out there as a freelancer. 

I started freelancing in October 2018 and I've struggled with fears since Day One. I've tried to figure out the exact source of my fears so I can defeat them. Again and again I've seen that they all have the same thing in common: I'm scared of disappointing other people. 

Much of the time I'm so concerned with whether or not I will upset, annoy, disappoint, anger or disgust other people that I can barely move. 

At this point in the post I want to resolve this for myself and anyone who struggles with the same thing. I want to tap you on the shoulder with a magic wand and heal you (and myself!) from unhealthy levels of people pleasing. 

I can't do that. 

All I can do is tell you some of the ways I have been learning to cope with all my fears. Please remember, when reading these that they come out of my experiences. I do not want to proclaim that my journey is the only way or that my ideas are the only ones that work! I am only able to speak to my limited knowledge and experience. 

1) Therapy. I realized that so much of my tendency to people please goes back to the survival mechanisms I learned as a kid. In an effort to find healing I started therapy. As a kid I felt like the only way to get by was to never be the one to make waves. I'm working to heal that scared child inside me because as a freelance artist I feel like it's kind of my job to make waves!

2) Name the fear. I recently realized that my habit of biting my nails usually kicks in when I'm nervous about something. So instead of getting trapped in a cycle of biting I try to stop and name the thing that is making me nervous and figure out an alternative way to channel my nerves like taking a walk or working on embroidery. 

3) One step at a time. It is terrifying to see how much work must be done in order to, for instance, finish a zine. So instead of freaking out over the whole project I focus on what the next, tiny step is. It can be as tiny as "OK. Now I need to spell check page 3." Keeping the focus on these little milestones, makes it easier to keep moving instead of becoming paralyzed. 

4) Inner Safe Place. When I feel my fear of other people's opinions kicking in I practice entering my inner safe space. For me it is a private room with Jesus, because I don't fear Him being harsh or judgmental and I value His opinion more than anyone else's. When my focus is there it is easier for me to be OK with others misunderstanding me. What does your safe space look like? 

Well. I think I need to wrap this up now. Even in writing this post I have felt some fears kick in, like: What if I sound too preachy? What if my tips aren't any good? What if all I have done is make my readers sad?

Sigh. Sometimes I think I will never be totally free of fears.