My Freelance Journey: I’m Proud of You, Me

I want to talk about three things I am actually proud of in the way I have handled my freelance business so far. In my last post I got a tad...sarcastic...about some of the choices I have made in my quest to become a freelance illustrator.

Being silly and hyperbolic is one way I cope with things which, in reality, scare me or intimidate me--like being a freelancer! As I mentioned in this post, MANY things about freelance scare me. 

But today, as a way to even out the high levels of sarcasm (and let's be honest, this one of those weeks where I could use a boost of confidence!) I want to focus on the things that make me proud. 

1) I Took The Plunge

It was really scary to start calling myself a freelance illustrator. I was worried that people would think I was a silly, pretentious little girl trying to get attention. I was worried that I would fail and have to go back to being a Certified Nursing Assistant. I was worried that once I sent out my first zine to everyone they would see my work and think, "Why does she think she can do illustration if this is all she is capable of making?"

Phew. It is actually really cathartic to write out my fears! But back to what I was saying...

I had all of those thoughts and more as I began putting together my first website portfolio, my illustration business card and started rounding up addresses to send my first zine to. But I still went for it. I'm so proud of myself that despite all that fear I still sent out my business card and zines. I started introducing myself to people as an illustrator and I began to actively seek out work. 

Something as simple as ordering a cup of coffee can bring on anxiety for me. I try to hide how scared talking to strangers and speaking up for myself makes me, but sometimes I wish I could express to people how much effort it takes. 

All this to say: Letting my community know that I was stepping out into this new role took guts for me and I am proud that I was able to take the plunge. 

2) The People Who Support Me Are Amazing

I am proud of having a network of people who really care about my work as an artist and writer. Many of the people who have supported my work over the years either by reading my blog (Hi, Guys!!!), following me on Instagram or subscribing to my Zine Club have been cheering me on for years. Some of them are friends from school, friends of the family (or family!) and some became supporters just through encountering my work out in the world. 

Obviously I can't take credit for these folks being the kind and supportive people that they are, but I am so proud that they allow my work into their lives. It's a huge honor when people decide to spend time with something I have made or written and I don't take it lightly. 

3) I Let My Supporters Know When I Was Struggling

This one is a little trickier for me to talk about. I am proud of being honest with my subscribers about my struggle to complete the zines for Year Two of my Zine Cub project. Around April of 2020 I got sick with what we believe was a mild case of COVID 19. I thought it would only last a little while, but after a few weeks I was still exhausted and weak all the time.

Even though I had committed to make one zine a month for the club, I found that I just couldn't work. We eventually realized that while in the beginning I may have had the virus, the stress and isolation triggered a debilitating season of depression and anxiety that made me feel physically ill.

I got so far behind on making my zines and I kept slipping into deeper shame and guilt over having "failed" my Zine Club. I was so scared of letting my subscribers know why I had gone silent, but I was also even more scared of letting them down even worse by staying quiet. So I filmed a short video explaining what had happened. I also wrote an email and sent out a physical letter to everyone. 

This was even scarier than when I had told everyone I was going into freelance, because this time I had to open up about something I was ashamed of. 

But in the end it all just reinforced the second point on this list: the people who support my work are such kind lovely people. The overwhelming response to my telling everyone it was going to take longer than planned to finish the zines was so kind and supportive.