Getting Out There Again

 

I'm feeling good right now. A little over-caffeinated. But good. Plus I did the caffeine thing to my own self, so, I can't really complain. I just did three brave (for me) things in a row. I went to the store where I used to work as a smoothie bar person and asked a former coworker to be a reference on a new job application. Then I applied for a new job. Then I asked ANOTHER old coworker from a different old job to also be a reference for me. 

That was really hard for me. I guess that's why I guzzled up all that caffeine. I needed the liquid courage. Asking people for help is scary for me. And getting out there and applying for work again is also really scary. I got hurt at my last retail job. I really loved my job there. Technically my job ended because of the pandemic, but the actual mechanics of losing the job left a bad taste in my mouth and I have avoided putting myself back out there ever since. 

But in the past few weeks I have felt a little stronger. I've been craving something more substantial than Door Dash, which is how I've been earning extra income lately. If I'm honest a big part of it is just me wanting to have more money. We have to watch our finances very closely to make ends meet on just one full-time salary and I'm dreaming of being able to cut loose a little more. I want to be able to afford contact lenses again and thrift shop without feeling huge amounts of guilt. 

Anyway. I finally started applying to a new grocery store job. Its not a dream job by any means. In fact, if it works out it'll probably be difficult and stressful. But I feel like I need something new. Something where I can go and work hard and get a solid paycheck. 

I honestly feel ashamed of how messy my job life has been over the past few years. I wanted to make illustration into a full-time gig. My plan was to grow it and work hard enough to have it pay all my bills. When I got my last retail job someone made a joke, "So I guess you had to go and get a real job in order to pay for your other job." It wasn't necessarily meant to be hurtful, but I heard, "So. Your lofty plans of being a freelance illustrator fell flat and you had to come down off your high horse?"

But a few months ago the very thought of getting a new job paralyzed me with fear. I drew this silly doodle of myself holding a trophy, because I'm proud of the healing that I'm doing. Asking for help was really hard and so is putting myself back out there. I don't know where I'm going to land next, but I think I'm finally ready for the next thing.