In my last post I mentioned how this blog feels like a safe space to me. I feel like I can be myself here and I won't run into judgement. But as soon as I wrote that I started to question whether I really do feel the ability to be vulnerable here. I have found it hard to write posts recently.
For a few weeks I had a good streak going where I was keeping up with my Friday series on freelancing, but once again I stopped. At first I just blamed my own laziness, and while I still don't rule that out, I have been wondering if another answer might be at the root of why I haven't felt able to post right now.
I have been changing in a lot of ways over the past couple years and I don't think my blog has always kept up with the changes. When I started writing again a few months ago I wanted to settle back into my old style of creating posts: silly drawings and funny stories from my life. I worked hard to create posts that were cheerful, uplifting and had a wholesome, sweet vibe.
But I don't feel like that vibe always fits in with the things I'm going through right now. I'm not joining a gang or anything, but I am doing a lot of growing and work in therapy to become a more whole person. Not just the person who wrote goofy posts about getting my first bra or planning a wedding (although I still really love those posts!).
I'm a person with a lot of pain coming from my complicated history with mental illness, a lot of questions and hurt from the religion I grew up in and an ever evolving desire to show up in my own life as authentically as I can. Trying to fit these aspects of myself into the old vibe of this blog has felt forced.
I am not in the same place as I was in 2016 when I made my last posts here. I'm struggling with understanding how I want to fit into my own family, how I want to conduct my friendships and whether I trust the Christian Church enough anymore to continue being a part of it.
But while all of this stuff is going on I'm still me. I'm still married to and in love with Sheldon. I'm still working hard on being an illustrator and story teller. I still enjoy the same things that I always have, but I am inviting more of myself into the picture and some of those parts aren't that cute and don't really fit into the vibe of my old blog.
In my last post I talked about learning to tidy my studio space and rather than stuff things under the rug take out each item and consider it. I likened that to some of the work I have been doing in therapy. And that's a pretty new thing for me. The person who wrote on this blog many years ago was someone who really fought to keep pain and difficult questions at bay and present a specific outer appearance.
But I'm not that person any more. I wanted to be honest about what's been going on. I needed to get this off my chest so that I can continue working on making this blog a place where I DO feel safe to be myself and who I am now as opposed to four years ago. I hope anyone who is reading this can make room for some of the changes that are happening with me and perhaps some shifts in the tone and content of what I make.
One place the change has been the most apparent is in my artwork. I've been creating work from some very raw places of my being and that shows up in my work. I am hoping to share some of my current work here and I didn't want to blindside anyone with the gear shift.
I'm not planning to introduce a bunch of sex, drugs and rock and roll. In fact I don't really know how my sharing this will affect my further posts. It may be that I just needed to know that I could share this openly and after that you won't really notice much of a change.
Either way, I want to thank you for being a listening ear and for accepting me for who I am for over a decade of writing in this blog. I'm so grateful.
Love,
L🌹
I want to hear more! keep sharing.
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